[ becks let's write the video game about being a therapist for old timey heroes. ]
That's what the thing inside me said.
The entire time I stood there, I felt... cold. Calm. Like what I'd done was sensible. The right thing to do. The only option and it had to be done by my hands.
[ he looks downwards ]
I wished it hadn't chosen me. I've fought the demon inside me, and I won once before. This...? This thing? [ he closes his eyes. ] I couldn't. I couldn't do a damn thing.
[ honestly that sounds like such a wild and fun concept, help. ]
And now? Does a part of you still feel that way?
[ he has to ask. he can remember what the residents had said, even after kazuma had screamed in the way he had, raw and hurt in light of what he'd done and who he'd killed. "his colours are still wrong". like some part of him was twisted and marked in a way that couldn't be fixed just by the guilt being placed on his shoulders. ]
... Your own personal demons are different. They know you inside and out, but you know them too. This thing... it sounds like it knows all the ways we tick and how to propel us forwards and we don't have the first clue what it is or how it works.
It just made you feel like you were right? Like the idea was all your own?
[ crow... when he says that, earns a look of very tentative vulnerability. percy looks at him through broken lenses and gives a very quiet nod. there's a twitch in his eye, the curl of a fist. the clicking of his throat as he swallows. ]
Yes.
When Ruby and I were walking through the museum... at first... I felt this sense of... that it couldn't have possibly happened. It'd felt like some bad dream. That there was no way I had slain Chang Geng and left behind such a mess.
But I did... and when everything drew down to a close, I. [ he shakes his head ] Couldn't let any of you go but me. Wifeless or not.
[ he nudges crow's shoe gently with the tip of his bloody boot. ]
Vax needs you. He'll say he needs me too, but he needs his friends. Any friends.
[ but he's not a miracle worker, and it's not like the dead can come back through strange bonds and magics too deep for people to really understand here. not as far as he knows. ]
But we are where we are. Don't make it too hard for him tomorrow? I can't imagine after what you both said anyone else would try to intervene.
I... [ and for a moment he ducks his head. there's a sharp noise, the grinding of teeth, and he chokes a minute on the words before lifting his head slowly. ] If I have it in me... I will do my best.
[ when he meets his eyes then ] He needs all of us. Truthfully.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
That's what the thing inside me said.
The entire time I stood there, I felt... cold. Calm. Like what I'd done was sensible. The right thing to do. The only option and it had to be done by my hands.
[ he looks downwards ]
I wished it hadn't chosen me. I've fought the demon inside me, and I won once before. This...? This thing? [ he closes his eyes. ] I couldn't. I couldn't do a damn thing.
no subject
And now? Does a part of you still feel that way?
[ he has to ask. he can remember what the residents had said, even after kazuma had screamed in the way he had, raw and hurt in light of what he'd done and who he'd killed. "his colours are still wrong". like some part of him was twisted and marked in a way that couldn't be fixed just by the guilt being placed on his shoulders. ]
... Your own personal demons are different. They know you inside and out, but you know them too. This thing... it sounds like it knows all the ways we tick and how to propel us forwards and we don't have the first clue what it is or how it works.
It just made you feel like you were right? Like the idea was all your own?
no subject
Yes.
When Ruby and I were walking through the museum... at first... I felt this sense of... that it couldn't have possibly happened. It'd felt like some bad dream. That there was no way I had slain Chang Geng and left behind such a mess.
But I did... and when everything drew down to a close, I. [ he shakes his head ] Couldn't let any of you go but me. Wifeless or not.
[ he nudges crow's shoe gently with the tip of his bloody boot. ]
Vax needs you. He'll say he needs me too, but he needs his friends. Any friends.
no subject
... I think, honestly, he needs you more.
[ but he's not a miracle worker, and it's not like the dead can come back through strange bonds and magics too deep for people to really understand here. not as far as he knows. ]
But we are where we are. Don't make it too hard for him tomorrow? I can't imagine after what you both said anyone else would try to intervene.
no subject
[ when he meets his eyes then ] He needs all of us. Truthfully.
no subject
That's all I can really ask of you.
[ haaaaaaaaa. ]
Don't worry. I've already got my hands full looking out for some people on someone's request. I can add another person to my list.