It's like that... it almost felt like a dream, when I walked through the scene off Chang Geng's murder in the museum. I couldn't quite parse out that this was something terrible, I had done, rather... it seemed like the right thing to do. The only thing to do.
[ he lifts a hand and offers it, palm up to atsushi quietly. he feels the self-loathing, and he reaches out to it quietly with something that understands. that self-loathing... it's a weight you don't just shrug off or wash away. like oil, it clings to every fiber. ]
I wish it were something easier to explain to others. It's... very much something deeply felt. Like there are parts of you that surge over the others, determined to become all that you are.
Yeah. It's like, even if there's probably other ways that could have solved the problem without killing anyone, it felt like what happened had to happen. That it was the way things had to be. It's bad, sure, but like...bad in the way you see something bad in a play and go "oh, that's sad". Like it isn't actually real.
[Maybe that's why Atsushi still doesn't feel as guilty as he has been expecting he would. Knowing himself, he should be a sobbing wreck right now.
But he does take that hand, and with it he welcomes the understanding that Percy has. Someone who has been through it too will know what he means, and that makes it easier to admit to the parts he knows he should be ashamed of.]
...I really don't like myself, Percy. Even before this, even before I came to the Prism, I never liked myself. And I can't explain that to anyone else, because I'm not looking for pity or sadness about it. It's just how I am, and how I'll always be. But to explain what's happening to me right now I have to explain that I already don't like myself, and if I do that then everyone will misunderstand what I'm even trying to say. So...it's easier to say nothing at all, I guess.
[ percy doesn't touch very often. it's limited, restricted, but here in this moment, he doesn't know anything he himself would want more than a solid connection in amongst the sensation of floating in the myriad of parts that make of oneself. he offers him a quiet squeeze. i don't like myself. ]
It's difficult to allow others in close enough to understand that sort of feeling.
[ a quiet pause ]
But the ones that we do, they're incredibly important to us. The ones that you don't think will understand, sometimes will surprise you as well. [ a beat ] The ones we're most uncertain of discussing these parts of ourselves with.
[ he holds for another moment, sketching briefly with one hand, smudging a little with his finger. his attention is here, but he's. thinking. ] And I believe we all understand at this point what was done was not something you could control, or any of us, but... we will find a way. We're getting closer every day.
[ hope is a new emotion for percy, it's something he doesn't really cling to very often, which is why the sensation feels so very foreign and out of place. ]
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It's like that... it almost felt like a dream, when I walked through the scene off Chang Geng's murder in the museum. I couldn't quite parse out that this was something terrible, I had done, rather... it seemed like the right thing to do. The only thing to do.
[ he lifts a hand and offers it, palm up to atsushi quietly. he feels the self-loathing, and he reaches out to it quietly with something that understands. that self-loathing... it's a weight you don't just shrug off or wash away. like oil, it clings to every fiber. ]
I wish it were something easier to explain to others. It's... very much something deeply felt. Like there are parts of you that surge over the others, determined to become all that you are.
[ imbalance is unspoken. ]
no subject
[Maybe that's why Atsushi still doesn't feel as guilty as he has been expecting he would. Knowing himself, he should be a sobbing wreck right now.
But he does take that hand, and with it he welcomes the understanding that Percy has. Someone who has been through it too will know what he means, and that makes it easier to admit to the parts he knows he should be ashamed of.]
...I really don't like myself, Percy. Even before this, even before I came to the Prism, I never liked myself. And I can't explain that to anyone else, because I'm not looking for pity or sadness about it. It's just how I am, and how I'll always be. But to explain what's happening to me right now I have to explain that I already don't like myself, and if I do that then everyone will misunderstand what I'm even trying to say. So...it's easier to say nothing at all, I guess.
no subject
It's difficult to allow others in close enough to understand that sort of feeling.
[ a quiet pause ]
But the ones that we do, they're incredibly important to us. The ones that you don't think will understand, sometimes will surprise you as well. [ a beat ] The ones we're most uncertain of discussing these parts of ourselves with.
[ he holds for another moment, sketching briefly with one hand, smudging a little with his finger. his attention is here, but he's. thinking. ] And I believe we all understand at this point what was done was not something you could control, or any of us, but... we will find a way. We're getting closer every day.
[ hope is a new emotion for percy, it's something he doesn't really cling to very often, which is why the sensation feels so very foreign and out of place. ]