Because I feel like I can't do anything else. For this entire situation -- for Marie-chan or for Buzen.
[he's not going to say anything as presumptive as 'chang geng would want this for you', even though he has a feeling that Chang Geng would want Percy to eat...]
And because I won't see you again after tomorrow. I needed an excuse to talk to you.
[there's a plate of neatly packed onigiri... also some umeboshi, and a separate bottle with some water.]
...I feel like whatever I say won't be as mean as what you're telling yourself.
[he thinks about Marie, there's something very similar between the both of them in this moment -- and it's not because they're both in the same place.]
But for what it's worth... I don't think you've let me down.
There's something inside of me, Itsuki. There's...
[ his brows draw tightly, and a wetness pricks at his eyes. he's. so tired and he looks it. ] It's sharp and it's hot and it's awful... it's so furious. I wish someone would carve it out of me...
Marie-chan mentioned it -- the rage she felt that night. She said it was foreign to her, and she's been angry her entire life. It wasn't what she wanted.
It feels like when I— [ he takes a break ] —there was a time when I had something very similar to Wicked inside of me after my family was slaughtered... it was something that clung to my sadness, my frustrations. It... sculpted me into something made for revenge, and for years that was all I knew, even if I couldn't remember if I'd even wanted revenge to begin with.
[ his head lowers. ]
I only wish I'd been able to hold on as long as Chang Geng tried to hold out for me to wake up. I wish I could have woken up...
[ as if it'd been up to him. ]
This place has a chokehold on each of us. I hate it, Itsuki... I don't want others to feel this. It's... dreadful.
Itsuki listens quietly. Wicked had been upset and full of rage, but that single moment of helplessness he saw that night... Well, Percy embodies that completely. For someone who's always been calm and supportive and warm, this is... it's hurtful. But he listens, because Percy should get to say everything he hasn't been able to,]
It's the same for us, you know? None of us want you to feel this way. ...Chang-kun most of all.
[he wonders what chang geng would say if he had the opportunity to be here, something that could really help Percy now,
but if he was here, then Percy wouldn't have to be suffering like this, would he?]
...I'm sorry about your family.
[there had been such a deep sadness in that memory Itsuki got to see, but to have lost everyone...]
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Because I feel like I can't do anything else. For this entire situation -- for Marie-chan or for Buzen.
[he's not going to say anything as presumptive as 'chang geng would want this for you', even though he has a feeling that Chang Geng would want Percy to eat...]
And because I won't see you again after tomorrow. I needed an excuse to talk to you.
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I'm sorry.
[ soft. trembling. ]
I've let you all down. Haven't I.
[ a twitch ] A monster. Fitting.
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...I feel like whatever I say won't be as mean as what you're telling yourself.
[he thinks about Marie, there's something very similar between the both of them in this moment -- and it's not because they're both in the same place.]
But for what it's worth... I don't think you've let me down.
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There's something inside of me, Itsuki. There's...
[ his brows draw tightly, and a wetness pricks at his eyes. he's. so tired and he looks it. ] It's sharp and it's hot and it's awful... it's so furious. I wish someone would carve it out of me...
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...How long has it been there?
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[ he closes his eyes. ]
I thought I could handle it... Chang Geng trusted that I could hold it together.
[ he lowers his head, his voice becomes quiet. cold. ] But I have failed. As I have always done.
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[softly,]
Marie-chan mentioned it -- the rage she felt that night. She said it was foreign to her, and she's been angry her entire life. It wasn't what she wanted.
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It feels like when I— [ he takes a break ] —there was a time when I had something very similar to Wicked inside of me after my family was slaughtered... it was something that clung to my sadness, my frustrations. It... sculpted me into something made for revenge, and for years that was all I knew, even if I couldn't remember if I'd even wanted revenge to begin with.
[ his head lowers. ]
I only wish I'd been able to hold on as long as Chang Geng tried to hold out for me to wake up. I wish I could have woken up...
[ as if it'd been up to him. ]
This place has a chokehold on each of us. I hate it, Itsuki... I don't want others to feel this. It's... dreadful.
no subject
Itsuki listens quietly. Wicked had been upset and full of rage, but that single moment of helplessness he saw that night... Well, Percy embodies that completely. For someone who's always been calm and supportive and warm, this is... it's hurtful. But he listens, because Percy should get to say everything he hasn't been able to,]
It's the same for us, you know? None of us want you to feel this way. ...Chang-kun most of all.
[he wonders what chang geng would say if he had the opportunity to be here, something that could really help Percy now,
but if he was here, then Percy wouldn't have to be suffering like this, would he?]
...I'm sorry about your family.
[there had been such a deep sadness in that memory Itsuki got to see, but to have lost everyone...]